Idiotic New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Never Actually Keep

With another challenging year finally coming to a close, it’s time to turn over a new leaf and attempt—with little success—to improve yourself. Here are several common idiotic New Year’s resolutions you’ll never actually keep.

Exercise More

It’s time to finally accept your body for the damaged, irreparable pile of trash that it is.

Getting Your Online Shopping Under Control

The only time your brain has felt a spark of joy these last two years has been when you see that a new package arrived. Don’t deprive yourself of that.

Climb Mount Kilimanjaro

You haven’t even looked up what country that’s in—it’s not happening.

Reunite The Ottoman Empire

Sure, on paper it looks great. They’d be an immediate superpower with considerable control over oil, sea ports and a sizable territory. But internally, those regions are strife with differing ideologies and separatist movements and it’d take a near miracle to pull off.

Binging All Old Prestige TV

Sad to think that even this purely frivolous goal that contributes nothing to society will be too much for you to handle this year.

Do Something About That Eagle Devouring Your Liver

Ever since you gave humanity the gift of fire and Zeus sentenced you to have an organ torn out of your body every night, you’ve been moaning about making a change. But you know you’ll somehow never get around to it.

Limit Your Sexual Fantasies Of Art Garfunkel

Why would you even attempt something so futile?

Descend Mt. Everest

You’re one of the few people who actually had the follow-through to climb the world’s highest mountain but who are also way too lazy to climb back down.

Assassinate A Senator

Start with a smaller, more manageable goal of killing the mayor or even a comptroller.

Go To Therapy

And pay some “professional” to tell you you’re in love with your mother? You already knew this.

Be Kinder To Yourself

Ha! You’re going to give up on day one and hate yourself for it the rest of the year for it.

Drink Less Blood

It’s a nice thought, but you know better than anyone that it takes you at least one cup of blood in the morning to be even remotely functional at work.

Hook Up With Every Guy In Algebra II

It’s going to be impossible unless Tracey and Peter W. break up.

Memorize The Bible

You try this every year and it always breaks down by Genesis chapter 10. Time to give it a rest.

Finally Stop Eating Pieces Of Drywall

We all know you can’t stop cold turkey. It would be much more practical to ramp up your consumption of drywall enough to get on the show My Strange Addiction and then use that newfound fame and fortune to buy more drywall.