,

I Can’t Imagine My Wedding Day Without You Sitting There Uncomfortably At A Table Full Of People You Don’t Know

It’s hard to believe how quickly my wedding is coming up. I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve been picturing this day ever since I was a little girl, and I’ve gone all out to make sure that everything, from the location, to the flower arrangements, to the music, all the way down to the cake topper, is absolutely perfect. But what matters most is that I get to share this moment with those closest to me. And that’s why it would mean so much to have you there on my special day sitting uncomfortably at a table full of people you don’t know.

I just can’t imagine the happiest day of my life without you stuck for hours in a labored conversation with two of my brother’s best friends, an aunt I see once every six years, and a neighbor who used to take care of our dogs when my family went on vacation.

I’m starting a whole new chapter in my life, and I want you by my side for the two minutes I’ll actually spend talking with you near the beginning of the reception before I give you a half-hug and move on to someone else.

Just your presence alone would mean the world to me. Seeing you in the far corner of the banquet hall struggling to converse with my fiancé’s college ultimate Frisbee teammate about equity investing will be a memory I’ll cherish for the rest of my life. Gosh, I’m smiling right now thinking about it: me in my wedding dress greeting a stream of well-wishers; you pushing a dry chicken breast around your plate while straining to feign interest in the political opinions and sports commentary of people you’ve never met before and will never see again. What could be better?

And while you head back to the bar over and over again just so you can avoid bland small talk with other guests, you should know how grateful I’ll be that you made the trip to share this evening with me. To take a day off work, fly halfway across the country, and book two nights in a hotel is a big, expensive undertaking. Which is why it will bring me so much joy when you’re there, effectively trapped for an entire night in a string of halting, insipid conversations that will regularly drift in and out of audibility depending on how loud the music is.

It’s going to be so magical!

What makes your wedding day so wonderful is being surrounded by the people you care most about in the world—this goes without saying. And since you’ve been such an important part of my life, it makes me so happy to think of you wandering the periphery of the dance floor for a while before hesitantly venturing out to dance for a minute, becoming overwhelmed by how out of place and alone you feel, and then quickly slinking straight back to your table to pretend to check your phone for a while as you sit entirely by yourself.

I’m starting a whole new chapter in my life, and I want you by my side for the two minutes I’ll actually spend talking with you near the beginning of the reception before I give you a half-hug and move on to someone else. Then you can go right back to nodding as my mom’s coworker outlines her dietary restrictions. That will truly make my day that much more special.

I’ve pictured it all a hundred times—my dad walking me down the aisle, my first dance with my new husband, you idly picking apart a flower from the centerpiece for 20 minutes before finally slipping out early—and now it’s about to happen! How exciting is that?

It will be an unforgettable night, I promise.

And when you get married someday, you have my word that I’ll be right there alongside you yelling loudly at one of the groomsmen and then vomiting in the limo on the way to the reception.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper