NEW YORK–Citing his “responsibility as a public figure to the betterment of the community” and his “longstanding commitment to issues of concern to women,” talk-radio personality Howard Stern announced Tuesday the First Annual Howard Stern Women’s Health Symposium.
A free community event to be held over the next five days in Central Park, the symposium will feature more than 30 women’s-health-related lectures and workshops, including “Maximizing The Female Ejaculation,” “Six Safe Ways To Wax The Bikini Area: A Demonstration,” “Combating Small-Breast Syndrome (SBS),” and “Lesbians: Miracles Of Nature.” The symposium will conclude Sunday with an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for largest group mammogram.
“Today’s woman faces a multitude of specialized health concerns that may go ignored if awareness is not raised. Like, for example, she could get a real bad yeast infection,” said Stern, broadcasting live from the event. “Believe me, I oughta know, because I saw plenty of them on [estranged-wife] Alison, and they can get real nasty. Isn’t that right, Robin?”
Upon receiving acknowledgement from on-air partner Robin Quivers that this was, in fact, true, Stern added: “Robin’s probably never had one herself, because she’s got class. She knows how to wash down there. But some of these chicks out there, we’re talking cottage-cheese discharge, the works.”
Day one of the symposium, Stern said, will feature a number of events of interest to women. These include Stern’s keynote speech, “Implants: Silicone Or Saline?”; free breast-cancer screenings by Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf; complimentary testing of women’s buttocks for lunch-meat adhesiveness; and a special roundtable discussion of issues facing uninsured women of color, presided over by Wack Pack members Big Black, Angry Black, and King Of All Blacks.
“This is racist!” Angry Black told reporters. “Black women can’t get no insurance in the white man’s world!” He then lapsed into a string of profanities.
Subsequent events include free body appraisals by Stern’s friend Ralph Cirella and Gary The Retard, as well as a Shaving Cream Battle Royale illustrating the importance of proper lubrication in pubic-hair removal. Stern will himself quiz three Penthouse centerfolds on reproductive-health issues.
“A lot of women don’t know that a diet rich in folic acid is essential during pregnancy,” Stern said. “Also, we’re going to have a gal on who has huge labia. Huge. I mean they hang off her like drapes.”
On Friday, activities will focus on cosmetic surgery, culminating with a panel discussion mediated by Stern, porn star Houston, and Howard Stern Show head writer Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling.
“Guy tells his wife, ’Honey, you got some saggy goddamn breasts,’” Martling said. “She says, ’Don’t complain, it’s cheaper than plastic surgery, ’cause at least they drag some of the wrinkles out of my fuckin’ face!’”
Stern stressed that the event is a non-profit public-health initiative. “As we learn how to better meet the needs of the public, our event should only continue to get better in the coming years,” Stern told New York Times reporter Samantha Matheson. “You know, for a woman in your 30s, you’re not half bad. Turn around. Yeah, you’ve got a nice little ass on you, honey.”
Added Stern: “God, I’d love to bang you.”
Pausing a moment to transfer Matheson to his lap, Stern continued: “We hope in time to establish the Howard Stern Women’s Health Foundation as the nation’s leading organ of women’s health awareness.” Upon hearing Stern use the word “organ,” longtime sound-effects man Fred Norris activated a pre-recorded comic “sproing” sound.
Stern explained that his creation of the symposium was largely motivated by his recent divorce.
“Alison was a hell of a gal, and sometimes I think that if I’d been more knowledgeable about and attentive to her various female-specific problems–of which there were, Christ, maybe 10 million?–perhaps we could have worked it out,” Stern said. “Plus, I’m dating again, and there’ll be a lot of broads there with huge cans.”
