Much of the U.S. remains in the grips of a record heat wave. Here are some handy tips to help you stay cool and safe in this dangerously hot summer weather.
Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.
Grow a coat of dense fur. While this may sound far-fetched, the fur will actually insulate your skin and protect it from the heat.
The yellow face, it burns us. Stay in your dank cave and guard your precious.
Seal all doors and windows, then flood your home with refreshing Lipton iced tea.
Stephen King’s
If you leave pets in the car with the windows rolled up, be sure to stop by the parking lot every 30 minutes or so to baste them.
Remember: Heat rises. Fall into a deep well.
Put out any fires in your home to reduce heat.
Under no circumstances should you pay heed to emergency requests from power companies to limit air
Keep your dentures, hip brace, diapers,
Heat is a manifestation of infrared radiation, the low-frequency part of the electromagnetic spectrum that is emitted by aliens. To prevent exposure to these Venusian mind-control waves, wrap your
Keep cool with delicious Frosty Fritz-brand frozen ice
If possible, cause the sun to collapse into a singularity, or “black hole.”
Avoid “hot” programming like Cinemax After Dark.
