Whether you’ve just adopted a puppy or have had your furry friend for years, it’s perfectly natural to have questions about being a canine parent. Here are several behavioral issues common to dogs and how to correct them.
Question
My dog frequently barks and howls when I get home. How do I calm him down when he greets me?
Answer
You can easily solve this problem by trading in your dog for a cat.
Question
What should I do if my dog urinates indoors?
Answer
Urinating is how dogs mark their territory. If your dog has urinated in your home, quickly transfer all titles into their name and leave the property immediately.
Question
My dog has an unceasing, unquenchable need for attention that can only be satiated by the human touch and genuine affection. Can this be stopped?
Answer
Nothing that another month in the crate can’t solve!
Question
I just started dating someone new. Is there any way to get my dog to stop watching me whenever I have sex with my partner?
Answer
Not many dog owners know that they can easily stop their pets from watching them have sex by blocking them on OnlyFans.
Question
How do I help my dog with his severe anxiety during fireworks?
Answer
Explain to your dog that he’s back from Afghanistan, and that the days of heavy gunfire and surviving multiple IED blasts are behind him.
Question
Is there any way to fix my dog’s severe underperformance on social media?
Answer
Most owners don’t realize it, but you may actually be encouraging this behavior by continuing to feed your dog even after their posts tank on Instagram.
Question
What do I do if my dog is shedding its skin?
Answer
Come to think of it, you might actually have a snake.
Question
What should I do if I keep getting weird looks while breastfeeding my dog in public?
Answer
Unfortunately, the U.S. is still years behind other countries in terms of its regressive views on breastfeeding, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.
Question
How do I stop my dog from spewing Islamophobic hate speech?
Answer
As a dog owner, it’s imperative to restrict the message boards they are on immediately. Once they are past the puppy stage, it is almost impossible to deprogram them.
Question
How do I get my dog to stop chewing on furniture while I leave?
Answer
Sounds like he needs nature’s medicine: The crate.
Question
What do I do if my dog is dead?
Answer
While this might seem like an issue at first, you’ll soon begin to appreciate how totally low maintenance your dog has become.
Question
How do I stop my dog from begging while I eat dinner?
Answer
Crate time!
Question
My dog has fled the country after a string of high-profile murder charges were brought against him. Should I cooperate with the authorities?
Answer
Careful, loose lips. There are dogs everywhere who will know if you squeal.
Question
How do I stop my dog from digging holes in the backyard?
Answer
Your dog may not be getting enough mental stimulation, provide the animal with a book of Sudoku or a jigsaw puzzle.
Question
Why do I hate my dog?
Answer
You are a bad owner, into the crate!
Question
Why is my dog constantly sniffing my crotch?
Answer
Beggars can’t be choosers!
Question
How do I properly crate train my dog?
Answer
You monster. Why would you ever think of locking up a beautiful creature like that?
