Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have until Tuesday, Feb. 25 to cast their Oscar ballots. Here is the process by which Academy members will select this year’s winners:
The Academy contacts each nominee to make sure they own something nice to wear to the ceremony
The genitalia of each Oscar-nominated actor and actress is closely inspected by each member to ensure that they are nominated in the correct category
A computer creates five random names to put on the ballot under Best Sound Editing
The merits of every Best Picture nominee are evaluated separately against River Wild, Curtis Hanson’s thrilling and heartfelt 1994 action-adventure drama long held as the industry standard for excellence in filmmaking
To curb the lengthy Oscar campaign season, Best Supporting Actor nominees are limited to two debates
Academy members take a long, soul-searching walk in the middle of the night pondering what it really means to have the “best” original song
The Oscar for Best Actor is computed using the following algorithm: [(KPI^2)/(LG*FF*PRP)]^[sqrt(BGT/5Qr)]
Before casting their ballots, Academy members wrestle with the notion that all art is subjective and that their fetishization of awarding perverts the very art form they mean to celebrate
The Academy enjoys a hearty laugh over how much everyone cares about this shit
