The process of selecting 12 individuals to serve as a jury of the defendant’s peers is a hallowed part of our justice system. The Onion provides a step-by-step look at how these jurors are chosen:
STEP 1:
Summons letter arrives in mail at worst possible time
STEP 2:
Auditions held for charismatic foreman who can deliver captivating verdict
STEP 3:
Mad scramble to cobble together series of legally viable excuses to eliminate minorities from jury pool
STEP 4:
Bailiff issues reminder that court does not validate parking
STEP 5:
Potential jurors told through stifled laughter that the trial shouldn’t take more than two weeks, tops
STEP 6:
Those lucky enough to naturally exude potential bias get to go home
STEP 7:
Sketch artist signs off on group of 12 people who will be pretty easy to draw
STEP 8:
One last sweep for any hippies
STEP 9:
Excited jurors rush to courtroom only to discover it’s a goddamn department store slip-and-fall case
