As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the techniques top athletes employ to beat steroid tests:
Using masking tape and magic marker to change label on bottle of drugs from “steroids” to “headache medicine”
Becoming a professional wrestler, as no one seems to care what drugs they use
Boasting that their elevated testosterone levels are due to having stupendously large testicles; offering to show everyone if they don’t believe it; letting embarrassment do the rest
Drinking 25 gallons of water the day before urine test, knowing full well that no lab could possibly test that much urine
Claiming to be stuck in the suit of armor
Knocking out test administrator; stealing their blood
Flexing enormous biceps, causing tester’s syringe to take in blood so fast it explodes
Avoiding drug tests by caller testers “narcs”; testers then back off, as no one likes being called a “narc”
Using performance-enhancing drugs to become huge stars in their sports in the sure knowledge that the powers that be would never allow them to test positive for steroids
