Although it has been used to a lesser extent in previous Winter Games, the Beijing Olympics are the first to use all artificial snow, a substance commonplace at ski resorts and even on film sets. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how artificial snow is made.
STEP 1: Brazenly possess will to duplicate one of God’s most incredible creations.
STEP 2: Physicists spend decades studying snow mating patterns in order to replicate conditions needed for reproduction.
STEP 3: Last source of fresh, drinkable water within 100-mile radius drained.
STEP 4: Snow machine plugged into nearest three-prong outlet on side of mountain.
STEP 5: Passing thought of climate change implications ignored.
STEP 6: Snow is barreled and aged in cellar for at least one year to improve quality.
STEP 7: Team of artists painstakingly paints each individual flake white.
STEP 8: Snow stomped on by several pairs of grimy boots to give it more authentic appearance.
STEP 9: Olympic official swears he only threw artificial snowball at Eileen Gu for research purposes.
STEP 10: Slight difference in molecular structure causes disastrous career-ending injury.
