After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.
Extend Prime free trial to 31 days
Walk into random businesses, point at the manager, and say “You, out”
Open a theme park where Amazon fans can ride the Mozart In The Jungle Super Safari and walk through the Haunted High Castle
Fake out Walmart by opening a couple of brick-and-mortar mega-stores in the Midwest
Absolutely pulverize every goddamn dog walking service in the world
Win new customers by promising same-minute delivery on all items within chucking distance of distribution centers
Dramatically relax standards of what constitutes “fair condition” in used paperbacks
Break into the lucrative extortion industry with a fleet of drone thugs
Improve voice commands on Alexa to make it easier to order $100 worth of trash bags by accident
Start treating workers even more like shit
