You will soon enter a new phase of your life when you slide down the birth canal and out the vaginal opening.
A new love will cause your heart to swell, leading to a
After the traumatic events of next Friday, you’ll never again wear pants with an ass in them.
You will be devastated when Leonard Maltin calls the story of your life “tepid and predictable.”
A living example of the emerging breed of new-media consumer, you will experience a certain amount of difficulty understanding Melville’s
You will soon be magically transformed back into a smelly, drunk-ass lout.
Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, regardless.
All the casual sex you’ve been having with random strangers will not help you find inner peace. It doesn’t seem to hurt the strangers, though.
Sagittarius would love it if somebody did a cover of Duran Duran’s “Notorious,” but sang “Sagittarius” instead of “notorious.” It could be really cool if done right.
Success will soon rain down upon you. So will searing flames and rocks the size of tract homes.
This week, you find yourself counting down the top 100 old-school jams of all time with the sexy and soulful Pebbles.
Drastic change will elude you for the 768th straight week this week.
