Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life’s work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious “molecules.”
Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
This week’s overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
You’ll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they’ve ever driven.
You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
Your sweetness of disposition, generous nature and charming personality are overshadowed by your foul and unnatural love of Broadway musicals.
