You will find yourself on the wrong side of Loretta Lynn this weekend when you foolishly come home a-drinkin’ with lovin’ on your mind.
You will find yourself feeling strangely disappointed after a night of fairly amazing sex with the 11th most beautiful woman in the world.
Though it seems to make sense, there’s just something you don’t trust about this newfangled “eat right and exercise” weight-loss plan.
You will earn the gratitude of
Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
Your lifelong fear of caramel apples will finally prove useful, albeit a little too late.
You will spend two years in prison for sodomy, though you were sentenced for embezzling.
You will shock the nation when, due to an amazing set of circumstances, you accidentally pass for 347 yards and two touchdowns against the Redskins.
There is nothing you can do to avert what fate holds in store for you this week, mostly because there is nothing you can do at all.
Though
You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them, after all.
You are mystified that, after all these years, people still ask you to explain your constant nudity.
