New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.
Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you’re now more teddy bear than man.
A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
You’re happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
You’ll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
Through the impressive process of extending Orion’s celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
There’s no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city’s first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
America’s little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
