If your birthday is this week, multiply your calendar age by 4.8 to get your age in far more telling “Aquarius years.”
You find yourself shunned by friends when you join a tiny group that believes in such strange, unseen forces as “gravity” and “electromagnetism.”
Your belief in the impossibility of having a level-headed discussion on the state of American race relations only intensifies when you turn into a horse.
If you’re reading this, we’re sorry for predicting your death last week. But if you’re reading this without arms, we must say we told you so.
If you feel bad because you have a funny name, screw you. Our name is fucking Cancer, for Chrissakes.
You will find ample empirical evidence proving true the old myth about bulls and the color red.
Kris Kristofferson will appear to you in a dream and tell you to cast off your earthly ways and follow him. At least he
An unfortunate typo on your application results in your being accepted into the Legion Of Superherpes.
Though you’re basically a good person, you have the habit of looking to strange, random sources for guidance.
You will be recognized in your community for raising three healthy, well-adjusted children, as well as eight deranged, killer-cannibal children.
Your shock upon learning where veal comes from is nothing. Wait until you learn where babies come from.
You will be spiritually and emotionally unprepared for the events of next Thursday, though nothing particularly notable is expected to happen.
