The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she’s ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years—years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it’s all perfectly legal.
The ladies won’t be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.
The community’s response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston’s all-time second-largest fire.
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance’s explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.
It’s been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don’t worry: They haven’t forgotten they’re down there.
