The nation is stunned by Amelia Earhart’s miraculous return, especially when she knees you in the groin and shouts, “Thanks for nothing.”
Your admirable decision to lead a life of honesty and moral rectitude will bring your career in advertising to a sudden and drastic end.
You will be pursued by millions of hungry, nutrition-conscious Americans when it is revealed that you are part of a complete breakfast.
After six weeks, you still haven’t figured out how Jonah got so much done from inside one of these things.
Your habit of standing on your desk and flailing about with a fire ax will continue to be distracting and divisive at your office.
Your striking resemblance to TV’s Craig T. Nelson will somehow fail to get you laid for yet another week.
You’ve always said that premature baldness never killed anybody, but the tragic events of next week will force you to eat those words.
After 12 years of living alone in the bush, you’re beginning to think the damned snipe is never going to show.
You will go down in linguistic and polar history next week when it is discovered that the Eskimos have more than 600 words for what a big jerk you are.
Next week’s trials and tribulations will force you to stand tall and be a man, even though you were born short and female.
Though you’ll certainly be proud to have your own action figure, you would have rather had one that didn’t feature realistic spastic-colon action.
Remember, the impressive thing is not how well the bear dances. It’s how incredibly sexily the bear dances.
