Due to conditions beyond fate’s control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.
An uncontrollable attack of explosive flatulence at a Hollywood party results in your landing on the cover of Premiere magazine, touted as the next Jim Carrey.
Your dream of athletic stardom comes true when you are promoted to head sweat-wiper for the Denver Nuggets.
Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.
A bizarre set of circumstances involving the winter solstice, some LSD and a Boston fern conspire to make you the world’s first herbisexual.
A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.
Ridicule is your lot when Charles Nelson Reilly is picked to play you in your musical autobiography.
Your tough-as-nails image suffers irreparable damage when Harry Dean Stanton makes good on his promise to impregnate your mother.
Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene and matches.
Your career as the Farmer Crock spokesmodel is derailed when you cannot resist eating the muesli bikini.
