![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/muck0tzkyhncap32yqn3.png)
This might not be much of a comfort, but those 426 people would’ve all died eventually, anyway.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/otql8bnl7ghjywuojhor.png)
This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but maybe you should stop going around saying you’re uncertain how all the sailors wound up in your bed.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/ixwwown2ib8cy0t74kwn.png)
It’s been said that everyone ultimately becomes that which they despise, which may explain your sudden transformation into a platter of liver and onions.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/jo7hugwj7wrkxfhk9btx.png)
Satan will appear before you, transport you to a mountaintop, show you the riches of the world, and then just leave you up there without food or shelter.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/ndeo9q98culvh9sejket.png)
It’s a bad week for romance in the workplace, but that isn’t the problem. The problem is that the stars actually have to tell you that.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/m8agfzibjz0bk0bb4cmo.png)
Your appetite for rich, fatty foods may not be healthy, but it would be even worse if it wasn’t strictly sexual.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/sjejh4za8jlepvxac9k0.png)
It’s time to start paying more attention to the things that make life worthwhile, such as oxygen molecules.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/ak3e6xow6x3fdn7cwbxq.png)
There will be times when you can do nothing but stand back and witness events as they unfold. However, sometimes it’s good to know how to put out a grease fire.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/qfjltjnrl8eekybrwhge.png)
Your plan to fake your own death will be thoroughly convincing right up through the autopsy.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/xqxbqzrksn4zhh485m2m.png)
Due to your devout Christianity, next Thursday will bring both the last moments and the biggest disappointment of your life.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/c7gmiyhzvezz3tqy8gr5.png)
You’ve never been much of an athlete, but it still hurts when the U.S. Olympic basketball team makes a point of mentioning that they never considered you.
![](/wp-content/uploads/undefined/dvlnza0bhl2qyrvmuozo.png)
The fear that your phony law degree will be exposed turns out to be groundless when Applebee’s hires you anyway.