Hit Man Feels More Motivated To Kill If He Can Cross Names Off List When He’s Done

NEW YORK—Explaining that he liked to break up big killing sprees into individual, easier-to-manage murders, local hit man Dan Horn told reporters Monday that he always felt more motivated to commit homicide when he made a to-do list and crossed off each name when the job was done. “Having that piece of paper in my pocket with all the targets on it and scratching them out one-by-one not only helps me stay organized, it keeps me energized throughout my day,” said the highly regarded covert assassin, admitting that even though it was kind of cheating, he would often start his morning by writing down the name of someone he had already killed, just so he could have the satisfaction of crossing it off. “Sometimes, when it feels like I’m not getting much done, it helps to look down at my checklist and see all the intelligence operatives and foreign dignitaries I’ve taken out. That little measure of how much progress I’ve made—slipping polonium-210 into this guy’s drink, or hitting that other guy from 900 yards away with my Remington Modular Sniper Rifle—makes a big difference when it comes to meeting all my goals. Plus, if I don’t write down the name of that head of state, I know I’m going to forget to break into the executive mansion and smother him with a pillow. I just know I will!” At press time, Horn had reportedly acquired a pack of multicolored gel pens and was color-coding his targets according to which weapon he planned to use on them.