Hero Conservationist Convinces Suicidal Galapagos Penguin To Put Down Gun

GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Remembering his training as he calmly approached the animal in crisis, hero conservationist Greg Morgan reportedly convinced a suicidal Galápagos penguin to put down the gun it held to its head Thursday while threatening to take its own endangered life. “Please, I know you probably feel very alone right now as one of only a handful of your species remaining in the world, but the ecosystem needs you—you don’t want to do this,” said Morgan, cautiously taking steps toward the penguin, which gripped a 9mm Glock in its shaking flipper. According to sources, tears streaked down its bill as its attention darted from the expanse of the Pacific Ocean to Morgan and back. The penguin then reportedly pressed the barrel to its temple, cocked the gun, and closed its eyes. “No, please! Let’s put the weapon down and chat a little bit. That’s all I ask. Listen, I get it, it probably feels like nothing has been going right for you since El Niño, and that’s true. Every day you face a dwindling supply of food, cataclysmic changes to your climate, and nonnative predators who raid your nests, but these hardships should only serve as further proof of how strong and resilient you are. You’re still here, despite all the odds! You can’t go on blaming yourself for all the harms that have been done to your habitat. You are merely a victim of circumstance. Believe me when I tell you that your species still has so much to live for. There are so many environmentalists out there who love you, including one standing right here.” At press time, Morgan was seen successfully gaining hold of the firearm without incident and clearing the ammunition as the penguin collapsed into his arms in tears.