In these hectic times, very few of us make an effort to take proper care of our bodies. Here are some tips to start you down the path of more healthy living:
Remove salt lick from den
Give your heart a well-deserved break—re-route circulatory system so your blood is pumped by your pancreas
Just because you’re at work doesn’t mean you can’t get some exercise; carry your desk with you on your lunch hour out
Implant back-up heart in ass; if heart fails, use back-up ass-heart
Avoid fruits—the bright colors can shock your system and strain heart
Use loud, forceful coughs to expel cholesterol from heart
Rape a wild boar
If you’re too full to finish your meal, don’t; save it in your cheeks until later
For 10 minutes a day, let deep-fried foods drain before eating
Remove heart each night and soak it in some Polident
Buy expensive exercise apparel until you don’t have enough money to eat
Reduce your fat intake; order your next hot fudge sundae without the ham chunks
Lunging at strangers with a bat can burn up to 100 calories an hour
Get the heart-healthy nutrients you need by eating the hearts of your enemies
Vigorously masturbate while watching aerobics videos
Become a butterfly
