Health Insurance Plan Only Covers Random Hippopotamus Attacks

CHICAGO—Outlining the details of the man’s current policy over the phone Tuesday, a representative explained to local 32-year-old Greg Tarlton that his health insurance plan only covered random hippopotamus attacks. “Your current benefits as a Gold HMO member entitle you to reimbursement for most dental, vision, primary care, mental health, and emergency room expenses incurred as a direct result of injuries sustained during an encounter with a hippo,” said Jen Tisne, a policy advisor for SentiHealth Partners, confirming that Tarlton’s plan included a $10,000 deductible and was limited to in-network providers in the state of Illinois. “In the event you suffer a collapsed lung or broken rib after getting trampled by a hippopotamus that just appears out of absolutely nowhere, we’ll cover up to 95% of your hospital expenses. You’ll also be covered for any rehabilitative services you may require after a fully grown, 2-ton hippo suddenly rounds a corner, chases you down, and clamps down on one or both of your legs with its full bite force. Please note that if our adjuster determines you provoked the attack or were trying to feed the animal some of your protein bar, your claim will be denied.” The representative added that in locations where there are known to be hippopotamuses, such as zoos or the continent of Africa, all coverage is void.