Hackers Obtain Data Of 45 Million Target Customers Revealing What They’ve Done In Store Bathrooms

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for their lack of vigilance concerning their users’ private information, Target announced Friday that hackers had been able to obtain the data of 45 million customers that revealed what they’ve been doing in the stores’ bathrooms. “We are sincerely sorry that our security system was compromised and allowed thieves to gain access to all the filthy and depraved acts Target customers have been committing in our restrooms,” said CEO Brian Cornell, issuing assurances that the retail chain would immediately put new safeguards in place to ensure that the comprehensive data profile and hours of footage they have on every customer who’s entered their bathrooms could not be accessed by anyone outside the company. “Your trust is crucial to us, which is why we always want to make sure you can rest easy knowing that everything you’ve done in our restrooms—whether it’s stepping in to do a bump of coke, engaging in anonymous sex in one of the stalls, or simply having a horrifying bowel movement—remains between you and Target. We have failed to honor that trust, and we promise to do whatever it takes to make it up to you disgusting animals.” Cornell added that fortunately the hackers had been unable to obtain the massive trove of consumer data that every product purchased from Target is constantly beaming to the company.