Guy Who Took Job Making Barrels In 1400s Didn’t Mean For That To Become Family’s Identity For Next 25 Generations

FREE CITY OF LUBECK, HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE—Apologizing for not thinking five centuries ahead when looking for a job, local townsfolk Eldwin Walfridsson told sources Thursday he did not intend on taking work as a barrel maker in 1471 to become his family’s entire identity for the next 25 generations. “I just needed a few pfennigs in my pocket for bread and ale, I didn’t expect barrels to end up on or family crest or anything,” said Walfridsson, who claimed it was better than shoveling horse shit off the street or dying on a whaling ship. “It wasn’t too bad, so I figured I get my son involved, too. Next thing I know my great-grandchildren are changing their name to Cooper, and that’s history. There is more to my identity than my job. I like to sleep under the tree by the canal, but it’s not like descendants of mine took the name ‘Tree-sleeper’ or anything. I’m not even that good at it.” At press time, Walfridsson had been crushed to death by a pile of barrels filled with salt cod.