GOP Megadonor’s Bat-Wielding Goons Remind Clarence Thomas He Still Owes Him 500 Rulings

WASHINGTON—Casually sweeping a line of picture frames off an entryway table onto the floor with a crash, the bat-wielding goons of an anonymous GOP megadonor reportedly visited Clarence Thomas Friday to remind him that he still owes their employer 500 more rulings. “What’s the hold up, Clarence—did you forget we had a deal?” said one of the two menacing enforcers of a faceless billionaire, smashing items around the Supreme Court justice’s house for allegedly accepting more than $700,000 in luxury goods and vacations from the donor this year in exchange for certain verdicts that he’d yet to deliver on. “Seems like labor is still able to organize and gays are still allowed to marry, so the boss is just curious as to why that is, Clarence. We’ve held up our end of the bargain, and yet here you are dragging your heels on returning the favor. Maybe tipping off the congressional ethics committee might speed things up, huh? Or, better yet, which one’s your gaveling hand? If you want to keep it, you’ll get us those decisions by the end of this session. Plus, 250 more as an interest on being late. We clear, Tommy Boy?” At press time, Thomas was seen attempting to flee the country after a Supreme Court ruling failed to gut the Voting Rights Act of 1965.