Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday. “With an onboard system that recognizes verbal commands and utilizes full peripheral vision to detect potential hazards on either side of the vehicle, this prototype operated by the co-founder of Google is the future of driving,” said company spokesperson Shane Edson, adding that after the car was equipped with Larry Page, it was put through hundreds of thousands of miles of real-world driving scenarios, demonstrating an ability to negotiate city traffic and merge onto busy freeways. “The Google LP-1 makes driving easy. All you have to do is tell Larry Page where you want to go, sit back, and allow the billionaire CEO and internet-search pioneer to take you to your destination in comfort.” At press time, sources confirmed Google had pushed back the release of the Larry Page–driven car to 2020 pending urgently needed improvements to its parallel-parking function.