BRISTOL, CT—Craig Kilborn, the former host of The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn, actor from the film The Benchwarmers, and SportsCenter anchor from 1993 to 1997, was spotted at 5:30 a.m. this morning broke, homeless, and passed out in front of ESPN’s SportsCenter studios.
According to ESPN sources, Kilborn appeared even thinner and more frail than usual, reeked of cigarette smoke and gin, and his clothes—a moth-eaten dark suit that may have been the same one he wore in his last-ever SportsCenter appearance—were in tatters. Kilborn was reportedly only wearing one shoe at the time of his discovery.
Onlookers stated that, upon being woken up from his drunken stupor, the still-inebriated Kilborn asked to be shown to his “regular dressing room.” The gangly, 6’5″ former anchor then eluded security for long enough to stumble down the studio halls and blurt out random catchphrases from his broadcasting days at SportsCenter, including but not limited to “Gettin’ giddy in the zone,” “If it feels good, do it,” and “The low angle spank!”
“Craiggers is back, people,” said Kilborn, whose signature gelled blond hair was described in a later police report as dank and lice-ridden. “Nothing to be afraid of, folks. This is just Kilby simply being Kilby. Release. Rotation. Splash.”
Kilborn then regurgitated in a nearby garbage can.
“Da da da—Da da da,” an increasingly aggressive Kilborn audibly hummed in a mocking tone, mimicking the final six notes of SportsCenter’s theme song while still hovering over the trash receptacle. “I’m Craig Kilborn. He’s Dan Patrick. Welcome to the feel-good edition of SportsCenter. Unless you’re me, and you feel like complete shit because your whole life is nothing but a goddamn joke.”
“Jumanji!” he added, scaring a nearby production assistant.
Kilborn, who had moved to Los Angeles before apparently going bankrupt, losing his home, and becoming a vagrant, would not comment as to how he ended up in Bristol, CT, but police sources said they later found a Mercedes registered to Kilborn’s older sister broken down on the side of nearby I-95. The vehicle had clearly been lived in for weeks, possibly even months.
“Craig looked, sounded, and smelled awful,” said former colleague Kenny Mayne, who spent half an hour attempting to talk Kilborn out of his makeup chair. “But then again, as a broke, homeless man, that’s his job.”
Though Kilborn did not harm anyone and was treated with respect by current employees during his unannounced visit to his former employer, his mood shifted noticeably when he saw a framed picture of former ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann.
“Keith!” Kilborn said as he opened doors to the sound, graphics, and editing bays. “Come out, you son-of-a-bitch. I know you’re in here somewhere. I just want to talk to you for a second. I got your daily dose of Did You Know right here!”
Olbermann was at MSNBC studios in Secaucus, NJ at the time.
After ransacking sportscaster Stuart Scott’s dressing room, urinating on his own shoes, and emerging with a tie knotted around his bare, sweaty neck, Kilborn proceeded to interrupt the 6 a.m. broadcast of SportsCenter by forcibly removing anchor Scott Van Pelt, whom Kilborn referred to as a “wannabe,” from his chair.
Kilborn then repeatedly attempted to kiss former colleague Linda Cohn.
“Miss me, baby?” Kilborn said while unsuccessfully trying to suppress a fit of belching. “I gotta say, I’m—I’m—I’m proud of ya, Linda. Longevity, people. This woman just drips longevity. Drips. Linda Cohn, everyone!”
Added Kilborn: “Stick around, folks. I’ve got five questions with Linda coming up right after the break. Maybe this time she’ll say ’yes.’”
Kilborn then burst into tears, collapsed, and was eventually escorted out of ESPN headquarters. According to employees, Kilborn mumbled underneath his breath that he was starving and would be “dropping by” The Daily Show studios, hopefully before they took down the staff’s free lunch buffet.
“They still do that there, right?” Kilborn asked.
