Fucking Big Shot Chef Over Here Announces Plans To Smoke Turkey This Year

PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star here, you’d think the only way to cook a turkey was to smoke it using a mixture of hickory and applewood,” said Platt’s cousin Zak Hendrix, explaining that the little Gordon Ramsay was going to spend 24 hours brining the turkey in a solution containing bergamot peel and Sichuan peppercorns, if you could believe that. “I sure hope the pit master extraordinaire has fun waking up at 5:30 on Thanksgiving morning to get the smoker set up. The best part is that he ordered a rare heritage breed of turkey, because it turns out a normal Butterball just isn’t good enough for him! To hear our own resident James Beard Award winner tell it, you’d think everyone in his family had been doing it wrong all these years.” Platt’s relatives later asked whether they were allowed to stop by his place on Thanksgiving or whether they would need to make a reservation first.