With numerous Fox News personalities deposed in the Dominion Voting Systems $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit against the network, The Onion asked its hosts and contributors how they felt about the legal proceeding.
Ari Fleischer
“I didn’t read it closely to find out why we’re suing them, but we’re going to take these suckers for all they’re worth!”
Jeanine Pirro
“I really miss having the ability to toss out cases right about now.”
Sean Hannity
“Whoever she is, she’s lying.”
Brian Kilmeade
“This should be a cakewalk. You don’t get to be the best at eroding the last vestiges of social cohesion, media literacy, and complex thought in this country without getting hit with a lawsuit or two.”
Dan Bongino
“This is just pathetic treasonous behavior by a woke American legal system that was dreamt up by the cancel culture founders. I am a serious person.”
Laura Ingraham
“I spent years—years—spewing bullshit and falsehoods. I was on the front lines. And they don’t even think to depose me? Un-fucking-believable.”
Tucker Carlson
“And has anyone checked to see if this Dominion fellow is a U.S. citizen?”
Ainsley Earhardt
“I only comment on active lawsuits where I can insult harassment victims.”
Dana Perino
“I am the Great Beast risen from the depths of Tartarus to bring oblivion to all; bow before my might as the blood tycoon descends upon the innocent to release your pitiful human forms from the chains of hope.”
Sean Hannity
“Is this my defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems, my child custody battle with Dominion Voting Systems, or my medical malpractice lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems? Please advise.”
Steve Doocy
“I’m a little teacup, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout, ‘Tip me over and pour me out!’ Wait, what was your question?”
Kayleigh McEnany
“Sorry, I’ll have to get back to you. I spilled soup on my head again.”
Maria Bartiromo
“They’re probably trying to reach Mario Batali. Happens all the time.”
Trey Gowdy
“The only reason Dominion is even bringing this suit is because they want to obscure what really happened in Benghazi on the night of Sept. 11, 2012.”
Katie Pavlich
“Of all the shit we lie about, this is what we’re getting sued over?”
Tucker Carlson
“You are a rapist for asking me that question. You know that? A full-on rapist. Dick out and everything. That’s what you are. Voting systems lawsuit? Is that some code for ‘I’m a rapist’? Seems an awful lot like it is.”
Lou Dobbs
“Aw, nuts! You caught us! Good game. Same time tomorrow?”
Maria Bartiromo
“I tried to get legal advice, but our in-house lawyer is just a skeleton sitting at a desk wearing a Confederate uniform.”
Brit Hume
“Look, I don’t know how Dominion can be mad at us. Spreading lies about the voting systems not working was the compromise, okay? The top brass at Fox News originally wanted us to spread the rumor that the voting machines turned every American voter into a trans pedophile supersoldier in the Democratic Party army, but we hosts talked them down to just making totally false claims about the machines malfunctioning. And this is the thanks we hosts get.”
Steve Doocy
“I’ve never even heard of this ‘voting’ you’re referring to.”
Sean Hannity
“It’s insulting, disgusting, and downright un-American that I be held accountable for something as meaningless as words.”
Trace Gallagher
“In all my years as a guy who sits in front of a television prompter and repeats exactly what it says, I never in my life look angry, blink, blink again, beat fist on table, blink, blink again, get as red as possible, beat fist on table.”
Greg Gutfeld
“Gutfeld! Gutfeld! Gutfeld! I think I’m having an aneur—Gutfeld! Greg! Greg! Gutfeld! Help me I can’t stop—Gutfeld! Gregorino! Gutfeld in the morning!”
Brian Kilmeade
“We can’t trust machines. The Terminator was a machine, and so was Megatron.”
