In order to win approval from Florida’s Department of Education, publishers have begun removing mentions of race from social studies textbooks. The Onion asked teachers how they teach history without race, and this is what they said.
Susan McCourty
“I say MLK was a person who organized a nonspecific group against another nonspecific group for nonspecific reasons, and that’s why he’s one of the greatest Americans to ever live.”
Francine Tobey
“It’s pretty easy if you just skip 70% of everything that’s ever happened in this country.”
Tracy Curtis
“Turning the lights off and putting my head down on the desk for 45 minutes usually does the trick.”
Kathryn Eggleton
“I just focus on all the aspects of history that don’t have any significance.”
Paola Machado
“I play loud music to drown out my lectures on the civil rights movement.”
Helen Gainwell
“I try to really focus on June 21, 1825 in Oslo, which was by all accounts a very chill day.”
Marc Waverly
“I just substitute the word ‘pickles’ for ‘slavery,’ though now all my students ask me why pickles are our nation’s greatest sin.”
Tina Wheelan
“For civil rights I say Martin Luther King was white and was assassinated for not eating his vegetables.”
Henry Wilson
“That’s actually been pretty easy, but trying to teach trigonometry without mentioning race is damn near impossible.”
Maneesh Banerjee
“I guess I’d say poorly and in a manner completely unworthy of my profession.”
Owen Resnick
“I don’t remember. I’m usually pretty drunk.”
Oliver Branson
“It’s easy. Nothing is about race. It’s all about the economy.”
Gertrude Wilkes
“I homeschool my kids, and I must say this really will hurt the lessons on who controls all the banks.”
Stacy Tamascus
“I just avoid any historical event that isn’t the 2000 Sydney Olympics.”
Drew Erickson
“By not mentioning race, I can speed through all the remaining history topics in about a week. After that, I just tell the kids they don’t have to come to class.”
Jane Booth
“Every time one of my students tries to ask a question regarding race I blow an air horn.”
Eric Reeves
“I just skip all of American history.”
