The Onion asked Florida students how the state’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill finally cured them of their sick, perverted urges to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, or queer, and this is what they said.
Maya Acadia, 13
“I now feel an inherent, undeniable attraction to people of my same gender, but in a straight way.”
Kylie Anderson, 14
“I guess in the same way the anti-CRT stuff made me stop being Black.”
Chris Tanner, 17
“The second Gov. DeSantis signed that bill both of my moms disappeared in front of my eyes. I tried to find Miami on a map but it’s been replaced by New Tallahassee. Will and Grace are married.”
Mohammed Osman, 15
“I got an A in my conversion therapy class.”
Perry Adams, 14
“All the straight porn we’ve had to watch in health class has made a huge difference.”
Marshall Webster, 14
“What is that word? I’ve literally never heard it before.”
Patrick Grosse, 15
“I could tell DeSantis really needed a win, so I converted.”
Nate Fleming, 13
“Now my teacher only hooks up with opposite sex students.”
Trevor Simpson, 15
“Before the bill, my fall elective was going to be Gay Sex, Marriage, and Agenda, but thankfully instead I’m taking Big Strong Men of Ancient Greece. That was a close call on the whole homosexual thing.”
Laura Tent, 14
“Now I have no model for any kind of healthy sexual relationship.”
Bryan Meadows, 16
“Oh, I’m homeschooled, so I was indoctrinated into being straight years ago.”
Erin Alonzo, 4
“I don’t know what gay is yet, but I’ve learned enough to start hurting myself if I am.”
Dylan Maplewood, 12
“Good thing I don’t know how to use the internet or exchange information with my peers.”
Jane Thomas, 10
“I was finally able to explore heterosexuality after not being bogged down by a historically accurate and inclusive curriculum.”
Caleb
“It’s a lot like Black history. If it’s not taught in schools, it doesn’t exist.”
Devin Hardy, 17
“Hooking up with a dude can’t be gay if the word ‘gay’ doesn’t exist anymore.”
Jeremy Russell, 16
“I was actually already straight, but ‘Don’t Say Gay’ definitely made me at least a little bit straighter.”
Wyatt Parke, 11
“It didn’t. But it has created a ton of shame and anger.”
