After a Florida teacher was accused of indoctrination for showing the animated Disney film Strange World, The Onion asked Florida parents to explain why they oppose schools showing movies with gay characters, and this is what they said.
Helen Leiber, Interior Designer
“I’m worried I won’t fit in with the other parents if I’m not constantly spewing vitriolic dehumanizing hate.”
Kevin Weintraub, Lawyer
“Every film with a gay character I’ve seen has outright depicted sweaty, hot, anal penetration.”
Lionel Curtis, Internet Technician
“Well, it’s a fear-based authoritarian impulse combined with only seeing things through the lens of consumption, so the only thing I can think to do is whine about kids movies.”
Conrad Smith, Dentist
“Gay or straight, all moving pictures are an affront to God.”
Lisa DiStefano, Dietitian
“It’s a slippery slope to those movies where David Attenborough tries to get us to be attracted to apes and whales.”
Stephanie Yates, Athletic Trainer
“My kid is too advanced. He’s been watching gay porn since he was 6.”
Danielle Woodside, Barista
“Nobody’s going to read my fan fiction if all of the characters are already explicitly gay.”
Stephanie Franklin, Attorney
“It’s bad enough for my kid to learn that gay people exist, but to try to indoctrinate him into the idea that they in some way deserve sympathy is downright disgusting.”
Bryce Donaldson, Chef
“I’m always down to ban whatever.”
Nathaniel Brown, Pastor
“I actually have no problem with a gay character being shown in a movie as long as he is shown being cast down into the pits of hell for his depraved existence as a homosexual.”
Frankie Malone, Brand Ambassador
“How gay we talkin’ here?”
Daniel McFadden, Insurance Agent
“School is in the daytime, and gay stuff is for nighttime.”
Michael Dunton, Truck Technician
“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: All movie characters should be asexual so we can focus on the plot.
Nancy Cromwell, Principal
“Whatever keeps my phone from ringing.”
Kathy Lyons, Sommelier
“I assume most Disney movies nowadays are two hours of hardcore gay porn and 10 minutes of a cartoon dog singing.”
Trista Petrov, Personal Injury Lawyer
“Gay people are a myth, and I don’t believe in lying to my children.”
Ron DeSantis, Governor
“I have gone insane with power. That’s why.”
Mike Dobson, Actor
“I’ve had a bone to pick with gay characters ever since losing what could have been a major breakout role to Josh fucking Gad of all people.”
Kylee Branch, Hairstylist
“Actually, I suppose it’s all right as long as they’re as demeaning as Disney’s portrayals of other minorities.”
Paul DeRose, Entrepreneur
“I’m a bigot—you got me!”
Adam Granger, County Clerk
“If they’re going to watch gay movies, I at least want them to watch them under my roof.”
Isaac Pewter, Tap Dancer
“I guess I’m conflicted, because as we all know, all guns are boys, but if there were a movie about two guns falling in love, I would want my child to see that. So I guess in some ways I’m reevaluating some of my beliefs.”
Tim Harvey, Bartender
“I don’t want my kids asking questions about their ‘Uncle’ Ron.”
Thomas Wheaton, Urologist
“I’m actually fine if the characters are gay as long as nobody’s fucking bi.”
Matt Gaetz, Congressman
“I like to show them how to do that kind of stuff in person.”
Doug Terry, Gay Dad
“There’s already way too much gay at home. Give it a rest!”
Vince Warden, Lawyer
“If I can’t watch the films, my son can’t either. I tried, and their teacher yelled at me to get away from the window and stop peeping in at the kids.”
Jerald Tarrington, Restaurateur
“Yes, I believe we shouldn’t let our kids see movies with gay characters, but I really wish we’d pay more attention to the scourges of gay songs in music class, gay elements in the periodic table, and gay milks at lunch.”
Belinda Meyer, Nurse
“There is only one film worth watching, and that’s Fritz Lang’s Metropolis. Every subsequent film is a bastardization of Lang’s filmmaking prowess, his pure cinema. If I wanted to let my daughter go to school to watch drivel, I’d just throw on something by Bergman and call it a day.”
Riley Murphy, Grocery Store Clerk
“My son…he is throbbing…he comes home from school throbbing…muck in his jeans, milky white muck…but still he is engorged…throbbing…his brain chemicals…throbbing and gay… He asks me, Mama, am I a gay son? Have you a gay son, Mama? Is it me, the son, your only son, your gay boy?…and all the while the throb continues, the milky white muck crusts and crystallizes in his best pair of Wranglers… I must look at my gay son. I must see him and know how he feels about the movies. I can’t stand how he must squirm inside at the evil movies with their gay men looking and thumping each other… Oh yes, I know what goes on there, in my boy’s pants, in the crusty gay scrum of his drawers… The most evil magic goes on there…”
