Fish Way Too High On OxyContin Runoff To Give A Shit About Species’ Inevitable Extinction

SEATTLE—In a highly euphoric state after consuming opioids that had traveled downstream from a wastewater treatment plant, a local fish confirmed Tuesday that he was too high on OxyContin runoff to give a shit about the inevitable extinction of his species. “Man, I am fucking blasted right now!” the 36-inch male Chinook salmon said as he blissfully swam through polluted waters and drank up large quantities of the drug, which reportedly kept away any worries he may have had about endangered populations of his fellow Oncorhynchus tshawytscha. “Who cares about habitat loss or overfishing when they’re polluting the Puget Sound with this much Oxy? Woooooooooooo! Ha, ha! We’re all gonna die someday, anyways—might as well go out flyin’ high.” At press time, the fish’s bloated carcass was seen floating on the surface of the water after he had overdosed by leaping directly into an overflowing sewer pipe.