Financial Advisor Recommends Fraud

TOMS RIVER, NJ—After going over various options with a new client, local financial advisor Gary O’Malley reportedly recommended fraud this week. “If you want a secure financial future for yourself and your family, I can’t recommend anything more than fraud,” said O’Malley, who then went over the different avenues of fraud available to his client, recommending he diversify his portfolio to include securities fraud, tax fraud, and embezzlement. “I don’t recommend fraud to everyone, because if you don’t have a good chunk of change to invest in it from the beginning, it can become a big hassle. But once you’re all set up, it’s the best long-term way to ensure that your money keeps making money. You just get a nice fraudulent scheme set up, and you’ll be able to continue earning passive income from it for the rest of your life. There are some government subsidies you shouldn’t be able to apply for but absolutely can, if you tweak the details a little bit. I’ll get you the information on those. And you know you can trust it, because it’s what I do with my own business. Don’t you ever want to retire? Try fraud.” O’Malley ended the meeting by telling his client that he was lucky he came to see him and not some two-bit financial advisor who would try to convince him to do something completely legal.