BANGOR, ME—A brave, desperate attempt at sales resistance was decisively crushed by the Sony Corporation Monday, when a group of non-camcorder-owning rebels caved in to a fierce advertising blitz designed to quash all remaining consumer opposition to the Sony Handycam camcorder.
“The resistance is finished,” said James Guthridge, head of the Sony Joint Chiefs of Sales. “Our Handycam camcorder, featuring an advanced color viewfinder and the patented SteadyShot image-stabilization system for removing camera shake, has been purchased.”
At a press conference, resistance leaders conceded defeat.
“We did our best, but we were ultimately no match for the awesome advertising firepower of the Sony Corporation,” said Bangor, ME, resident Bill Brophy, who declared surrender at 4 p.m. EST, buying the $649 Handycam at a local electronics store after withstanding more than three weeks of intense saturation marketing. “There is nothing left for us to do but enjoy high-quality recordings of our loved ones.”
According to Guthridge, the battle for the sales resisters’ dollars was hard-fought and won at great cost.
“Over $400,000 was spent on Sony’s advertising blitz on the greater Bangor area,” Guthridge said. “But our commitment to victory in this market never wavered.”
After discussing the matter with his fellow Joint Chiefs, Guthridge said he decided to launch an all-out offensive. The company bombarded the local airwaves with commercials for the Handycam, and a heavy print campaign targeted the resistance from the ground.
“It was clear we would have to hit these folks where they lived,” Guthridge said. “We showed no mercy, telling those boys in advertising to hit ’em hard and not to let up.”
A handful of sales resisters surrendered and purchased the Handycam after seeing an attractive, glossy Sony brochure inserted into their Sunday newspaper, but a majority had held their ground. Those not won over by the brochure were then hit with a series of phone surveys designed to locate and wipe out their primary objections to the camcorder.
“Many said they didn’t need a camcorder. Others said they still needed time to think about it,” said Sony Minister of Helpful Information Shirley Prewitt. “The craziest alibi we heard, though, was, ’I can’t afford it’—even though Sony offers a wide variety of Handycam models, one to fit every budget. It appeared these rebels were delirious from running and hiding for so long.”
“We suspect that some of these holdouts were at one time reasonable consumers but had been brainwashed by the leaders of the resistance movement,” Prewitt said. “None of them were interested in visiting their local electronics store and finding out about Sony’s terrific line of lightweight, easy-to-use camcorders.”
Eventually, however, Brophy and the other remaining sales resisters caved in to Sony, signing an unconditional surrender and a “FlexPay” six-month payment plan for the Handycam. They are expected to stand trial for sedition and conspiracy to resist the Sony Corporation sometime next month.
