Federal Prisons Reinstitute Executions By Lethal Inflation

WASHINGTON—After the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the method being used on death-row inmates, federal prisons reinstituted executions by lethal inflation, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Pumping air into the prisoner until they swell up and burst into a cloud of bone and viscera is clearly a lawful and humane way to execute inmates,” said Federal Bureau of Prisons director Michael Carvajal, adding that while some critics of the death penalty oppose lethal inflation as cruel and unusual punishment, the rapid injection of a cocktail of noble gasses into an inmate ensured that their eyes popped out of their head within minutes. “While there are very occasional mishaps, such as an inmate not being tied down and thus floating away, lethal inflation goes off without a hitch in well over 95% of cases. The inmate experiences only mild discomfort for a few short seconds while the pressure creates pockets of air under their skin—unless of course the executioner is using a hand pump, in which case it may be a few minutes before the prisoner is sufficiently inflated enough to rupture.” Federal officials added that despite the potential risks, it was a much more merciful method than lethal implosion.