WASHINGTON—Analysts now believe that last month’s horrific attack on San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge, which left thousands missing and assumed dead, may have actually been carried out with green-screen technology, FBI officials announced Monday.
Sources said federal authorities revisited video of the tragic events of May 16 after a field agent noticed a bright, greenish hue running along the outline of the bridge, and completely surrounding the low-flying missile that entered slowly from the right and struck the beloved national monument. Digital forensic analysts were also able to uncover a number of additional anomalies that may change the way history remembers that terrible day.
“While we must never forget the painful events of 5/16, new evidence has caused us to rethink the nature of the attack,” FBI director Robert S. Mueller III said during a press conference. “Specifically the repeated loop of 1950s-era automobiles traveling on the bridge when the first missile hit, the heavy pixilation around the edges of the seventh explosion, and the several inches of green material on both sides of the frame.”
“And this would certainly explain why that giant boom mic kept dropping into the shot,” Mueller added.
The director also said that the use of chroma-key technology to stage an attack would support widespread claims that rescue workers responding to the bombing were unable to reach the destroyed Golden Gate Bridge because of rush-hour traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge.
Until the bureau can investigate further, the retaliatory bombings in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Iran have been halted. In addition, the Defense Department has called off its search for the three Arab men who were last seen fleeing the scene of the attack on surfboards.
“We are looking into the possibility that the noticeable hole in the top right-hand corner of the sky might not have been a naturally occurring phenomenon,” Mueller said. “But, until we are certain, I advise all Americans to stay alert. If digital imagery was not behind 5/16, there is still a 2,000-foot moth out there capable of creating a mushroom cloud that looks exactly like the one at Hiroshima.”
When asked if green-screen technology could have been behind December’s gazelle stampede in Detroit, the tidal wave that destroyed Boston in February, or Mount Rushmore ending up at the bottom of a fish tank, Mueller responded, “Absolutely not. Well, wait. Maybe.”
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano assured the public that reviewing the video footage has already provided military officials with valuable insight into the strategy of terrorists who wish to harm America.
“Our enemies are adapting to an increasingly technological world, and we must adapt with them,” Napolitano said. “That is why I’ve told our operatives to be on the lookout for any disparities in foreground and background lighting, as well as any suspicious persons with floating heads—two things we now know to be indicators of a possible green-screen strike.”
According to the White House, President Obama has been kept abreast of the FBI’s ongoing investigation into the 5/16 attacks. In a televised address from the base of the partially completed Golden Gate Bridge Memorial Wall, Obama reiterated the need for constant vigilance.
“For now, it appears as if the terrorists have yet to master this technology,” the president said. “But as they get better at handling larger composites and become more familiar with Final Cut Pro 6, these attacks will begin to look more realistic. We must work together to make sure that state-of-the-art editing bays and studio spaces do not fall into terrorist hands.”
“If that happens, they could theoretically destroy the world,” Obama added. “I hear you can do almost anything with that stuff these days.”
