Americans across the country just love to cram pizza into their gaping maws. The Onion examines the most popular pizza topping in each state.
Alabama
Special ground beef that gay people aren’t allowed to eat
Alaska
Tender snowflakes that melt upon contact with the hot grease, made all the more delectable by their inherent temporality
Arizona
Shredded ballott
Arkansas
Blood pesto
California
Five almonds and a dollop of unsweetened Greek yogurt
Colorado
A thin layer of Under Armour lightweight thermal nylon between sauce and cheese
Connecticut
Pizza? Really, darling, what are we, ethnics?
Delaware
$50,000 cash bail
Florida
Drizzled ointment
Georgia
Censored pepperonis
Hawaii
Famous for its controversial combination of beef and kiwi
Idaho
Marshmallow sausage
Illinois
Another pizza
Indiana
Haven’t been able to taste anything since March 2020
Iowa
A blue ribbon
Kansas
Pizza? Who said anything about pizza? You’ll be eating pork chops just like everybody else tonight, young man.
Kentucky
Caramelized tobacco
Louisiana
Reptile Lovers
Maine
As long as the box features a caricature of an Italian buffoon, they’re happy
Maryland
Moisture
Massachusetts
Pepperoni arranged to spell a slur
Michigan
Scrap metal
Minnesota
Fried snow
Mississippi
Lethal dose of pentobarbital
Missouri
Diet pills
Montana
Whole elk
Nebraska
Garlicky cud
Nevada
Hole cut in piping hot slice with male genitals pushed through
New Hampshire
Crust stuffed with opioids
New Jersey
A thick coat of hairspray
New Mexico
Peyote
New York
No matter what, it’s overrated
North Carolina
Barbecued cheese
North Dakota
Pupperoni
Ohio
High-fructose pizza syrup
Oklahoma
Whatever ‘tarnation’ is
Oregon
Twenty micrograms psilocybin mushroom on 7-millimeter-long pizza slice, eaten once every six hours.
Pennsylvania
Steel-stuffed crust
Rhode Island
Abominations from the deep
South Carolina
If you can kill it, they will put it on a pizza
South Dakota
Prairie dog colony
Tennessee
Nothing, for there is no pizza topping that can please the Lord
Texas
Spittoon refuse
Utah
Pizza prohibited by the Mormon church for its ability to incite lust
Vermont
Artful leaf tracings
Virginia
Artichokes originally owned by Thomas Jefferson
Washington
Sausage eaten off nude 83-year-old lying on boardroom table
West Virginia
The abstract concept of friendliness
Wisconsin
Always eat it all before ever noticing what the toppings are
Wyoming
Crushed red pepper blowing cold and calm across the grainy crusts, a few specks of green spinach amidst the scrub and chaparral, with extra cheese
