These days, looking good is a must. Here are a few tips from the experts to help keep you in style:
Remember: Distressed and/or acid-washed denim never goes out of style
Pants should be “cuffed,” or rolled, at least six inches above the ankle
Wear extremely expensive clothes only; they are made from finer materials and look better
Eat bath salts to make your innards smell pretty
If your T-shirts have yellow stains under the arms, cut the underarms out before wearing
Never wear glasses on a date; your potential mate will think you are undesirably smart
There are many excellent “big and tall” shops that cater to fat hogs like yourself
Keep collars turned up at all times
With scissors, cut the hems of other women’s skirts so their length matches your own
Wearing green shirts on Thursdays lets all your classmates know that you are a homosexual
If you have wide hips, cover your imperfections with a gigantic tarp
