Following a number of controversial revelations in the book, The Onion asked fans what they thought about the Britney Spears’ tell-all memoir, and this is what they said.
Anne Grittens, Nurse Anesthetist
“Just another soulless cash grab by a woman aiming to reclaim her own narrative after decades of abuse at the hands of the people closest to her and, indeed, society at large.”
Richard Rodriguez, Graphic Designer
“I kissed the cover and she didn’t kiss back, so fuck her.”
Jamie Spears, Retired
“She’s welcome to move back into the dungeon whenever she wants.”
Derek Nguyen, Mail Carrier
“I wasn’t able to finish it, I was too busy hacking off Justin Timberlake’s head.”
Thomas White, Mechanical Engineer
“It had good paper stock. Heavy, durable, high-quality stuff. The words were printed with an admirable consistency. Ink evenly distributed. Overall, a well-made book.”
Carl Bray, Customer Service Representative
“I couldn’t dance to it.”
Julio Freeman, Barista
“The thing that you have to remember about celebrity memoirs is that it was all the ghostwriter who had an abortion for Justin Timberlake.”
Tori Hart, Sales Rep
“I think she should go to jail. #JailBritney! #JailBritney!”
Jane D’Agostino, Accountant
“I thought the most compelling part was the 15 years she spent trapped in a well.”
Scott Tompkins, Plumber
“It was nothing like the fan fiction I wrote.”
Jenna Lambert, IT Specialist
“There were some fascinating insights into her term as the 44th president of the United States.”
Sarah Carter, Chef
“The book was delicious and very hearty!”
Melanie Bartlett, Building Manager
“It’s not a tell-all memoir at all! She doesn’t ever tell us her favorite animal, her favorite pope, or her views on the Thirty Years’ War. This is false advertising!”
Elena Zabrowski, Pastry Chef
“It’s so messed up that Justin Timberlake broke up with her via fortune cookie.”
Mary Valez, Occupational Therapist
“A little disappointing. I kept yelling ‘Do Lucky…now do Lucky…’ at the book, but she never sang it.”
Caleb Fishcher, 10th-Grade Student
“This is what my class got assigned to read after they banned To Kill A Mockingbird.”
Samantha Greeves, Consultant
“I liked the part where her ghostwriter broke the fourth wall and begged the reader to kill him.”
Claudia Agee, Paralegal
“You know, I once waved at someone across the street who looked a lot like her, and that bitch didn’t even bother to mention me in the book.”
Ella Mezzetti, Anesthesiologist
“I had to auto-tune it in my head out of habit.”
Lisa White, Teacher
“Crazy that she aborted Justin Timberlake’s baby onstage at the VMAs.”
Clara James, Graphic Artist
“It was so good that it made her conservatorship totally worth it.”
Stephanie Wolfson, Lab Technician
“I got all choked up about her abortion and how she deprived the media the opportunity to mercilessly judge and criticize her for it.”
