After the tech company introduced the Apple Vision Pro, The Onion asked Apple fans what they thought about the new VR headset, and this is what they said.
Allison Botton, Self-Defense Instructor
“Finally something to fill the void that I couldn’t fill with my iPhone, iPad, MacBook, Apple Watch, iMac, Apple TV, or AirPods.”
Dawn Nickles, Preschool Teacher
“Loneliness will never be the same.”
Trina Catanzaro, Architect
“I can’t wait to put something on my head.”
Tyler Keller, Database Administrator
“I’ll put off gouging out my eyes a while longer to experience this, but be warned, Apple: You’re on thin ice.”
Ozzie Carrillo, File Clerk
“I hope it has a calculator app!!!”
Tyler Jugson, Architect
“We said we wanted Apple mittens! Won’t they listen to the people!?”
Marie Brist, Garbage Collector
“Wow, Tim Cook is always at the forefront of technology we didn’t ask for or want.”
Dylan Ugolini, Digital Archivist
“Can’t wait to crack a more expensive screen.”
Missy Patterson, Cashier
“Why would I spend that much money when I can just stop taking my medication and see things that aren’t really there for free?”
Constance Stanton, Brand Promoter
“That’s a pretty steep entry cost given that I haven’t seen a single virtual reality game where I get to play as a mountaintop princess who’s making a tea party for all her mountaintop princess friends. I could see spending thousands, but they need to meet me halfway with a killer app like Glitter Teatime: Mountaintop Princess VR Edition or Princess & Me: Teatime Friends Fun Virtual Edition Experience, where I’m serving a full elegant tea to my glittery friends like the Mountain Lion and Mr. Hawk. As is, I could take it or leave it.”
Lia Stout, Ventriloquist
“Let’s see Android come up with a product this useless.”
Steven Yeardley, Choreographer
“When are they going to realize I don’t want to wear my tech—I want it inside me.”
George Bertone, Butcher
“I’m going to save my money and buy some ice cream instead.”
Tina Swanson, Manicurist
“I hope it comes in teal. Teal. There must be a teal version for me to wear over my eyes. There can be no other colors involved. Not orange. Not blue. Teal it is, and teal only, for me. I am unwilling to walk around this cruel colorless world without a bright teal gadget round my face.”
Tim Cook, CEO Of Apple
“Frankly, I’m a bit underwhelmed.”
Rita Wong, Midwife
“I’m disappointed. I thought for sure it would also cover the mouth.”
Paola Campillo, Chef
“This will help me fulfill my infantile and humiliating dream of becoming a real-life Iron Man!”
Gerardo Perez, Finance Director
“I’ve been looking for a new way to buy my stepchildren’s love.”
Jennifer Dolan, Hairdresser
“I don’t have to cut as much when they’re wearing something weird on their head.”
Daniel Sterling, Financial Manager
“I’ll have to divert some funds from my pet project of consuming thousands of dollars worth of yogurt each day, but I think I can make it work.”
Steve Jobs, Tech Inventor
“Hey, Cook finally cooked up something fresh! I knew he would if we gave him time. All right, kitty cats, I’m heading back to my little shack in Santa Barbara to soak up some sun, shake it by the beach luau, and hang ten. Peace out!”
