Experts Warn Nation’s Aging Sewer Infrastructure Could Be Just One Huge Turd Away From Collapse

WASHINGTON—Noting a massive amount of pressure that had been slowly building in the system for years, experts warned Tuesday that the nation’s aging sewer infrastructure could be just one huge turd away from total collapse. “At this point, all it would take is for one person to eat too much of something they shouldn’t, sit on a toilet in the wrong place at the wrong time, and take a massive dump,” said EPA administrator Michael S. Regan, adding that decades of duress and utter neglect meant the nation’s 800,000 miles of public sewers could barely handle normal-sized bowel movements as it was. “Sadly, it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when that monster shit rears its ugly head, finds itself at the wrong end of a plunger, and destroys our country’s sewers forever. Even a toilet full of small turds, if there’s enough of them, could tip the scale and cause our septic lines to erupt in ways most Americans could never imagine. God help us all.” At press time, Regan begged Americans to please do their best to hold in their bowel movements for the next 30 years while the sewage system was being repaired.