Experts Refuse To Warn Of Any New Health Hazards Until Americans Deal With Current Backlog

WASHINGTON—Saying they’re tired of their urgent calls to action consistently being met with indifference and apathy, members of the American Medical Association announced Tuesday that they will not issue any more warnings about newly discovered health hazards until the populace deals with its current backlog. “Look, before we spend any more time or energy publishing a paper on cell phone radiation or raising alarms about consumer weed killers, you have to at least make an effort to deal with saturated fats, unregulated dietary supplements, and other stuff we’ve been cautioning you about for years,” said AMA president Steven J. Stack, declaring that the group is not going to bother doing any more research on chemical fracking until, at the very least, people vaccinate their children. “There are thousands of potential hazards out there that can damage your health and even prove fatal, but we’re just going to keep all that information to ourselves until you prove you can meet us halfway by making sure you wear sunscreen outside and securing your flat-screen TV so it can’t topple over and crush your child. From now on, it’s one in, one out—you stop microwaving plastic food containers, and we’ll let you know some new findings about common cosmetic products that are deeply troubling.” At press time, the nation shrugged and went back to drinking its sugary beverages in its desk chairs.