Everything You Need To Know About The ‘Barbie’ Movie

You Are Loved, You Matter

Regardless of whether or not you see the Barbie movie, you are still important and deserve love.

Ryan Gosling Was Castrated For The Film

The star underwent a gelding operation so that his body, like Ken’s, would have only a pale, fleshy lump where a person’s genitals would usually be.

Barbie Is Real

Otherwise they couldn’t put it in a movie.

Stars Had To Undergo An Excruciating 30 Seconds Of Prosthetics Each Day

Margot Robbie spent almost half a minute every morning having a professional makeup team transform her into the iconic Barbie doll.

Aileen Wuornos Was Originally Cast As Barbie

Margot Robbie only signed on to the film after Wuornos was executed by the State of Florida in 2002.

It Will Probably Be Good, But ‘Billy Elliot’ Is Better

Sorry. Billy Elliot is a pretty hard movie to beat.

Number Of Dogs Killed Throughout Filming

59

The ‘Barbie’ Movie Will Kick Off A Series Of Movies Made By LG Chem Ltd.

LG Chem Ltd. has already green-lighted scripts about polypropylene, polycarbonate, and polystyrene with some of Hollywood’s hottest stars.

The Language The Barbies Speak Is Real

For years, the filmmakers worked tirelessly with linguists to create a real Barbie language called Barbish that fans could learn, speak, and write on their own.

There’s Statistically A Pretty High Chance You’ll Be Shot And Killed If You See It In An American Theater

It’s so good, though!

It’s Banned In Vietnam

So if you were planning on flying in to catch a screening at the AMC Hanoi 12, you may want to rethink your plans.

It Will Not Solve Anything

America was built by the unpaid labor of African slaves and the genocide of Indigenous peoples, and this new Barbie film does absolutely nothing to rectify that.

It Will Solve Everything

You know what, sorry, we were too negative in that previous slide. While Barbie won’t rectify the past and present injustices in our country, it will bring happiness and fun to the lives of some of its viewers, and maybe that small spark of joy is all we really need—at least for that moment—for the universe to seem okay for once.

Ryan Gosling Learned To Talk For The Movie

Gosling spent six weeks working intensely with experts to learn to produce sounds with his mouth.

The Showtime You Wanted Sold Out And Now You Have To Walk Home Alone Wearing A Hot Pink Sequined Jumpsuit

Even worse, the teens hanging out outside Panera Bread just asked if you were Peppa Pig.

Jared Leto Sent Hair And Feces To The Film’s Stars

While Leto has no known connection to the Barbie movie, he still allegedly harassed the stars by sending threatening packages to their trailers while in character as the Joker.

It’s Based On The Toy Mr. Potato Head

Though the film takes some liberties with the source material, it’s nevertheless fun to see the wild adventures of that little potato person.

Every Actor In The Movie Is Dead And Has Been Recreated By CGI

The entirety of the Barbie cast, from Margo Robbie to Ryan Gosling to Issa Rae, is long deceased, but luckily, the power of modern technology has allowed their likenesses and voices to be digitally inserted into the film.

Your Dad Will Beat You Up If He Catches You Watching It

No son of his will grow up to be one of those weirdo adult doll collectors.

It Looks Like All The Actors In It Are Adults, So It’s Fine To Masturbate To

People may say you’re weird for beating your meat to a movie about a children’s toy, but from the looks of it, everyone in the cast is an adult of legal age, so if you use the entirety of the Barbie runtime to bust one out, that’s completely normal!

The ‘T’ In Margot Is Silent

The movie really isn’t that deep, so we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

Thousands Of New Recruits Enlisted In The Military Because Of The ‘Barbie’ Movie

Many young Americans say they were persuaded to enlist after seeing Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling pilot drones and drop bombs on the Middle East during filming.