On Friday, Sept. 2, Amazon will premiere a highly anticipated ‘Lord Of The Rings’ prequel set thousands of years before The Hobbit. Here’s everything you need to know about The Lord Of The Rings: The Rings Of Power.
It’s Set Nearly 5,000 Years Before The Lord Of The Rings, And 15,000 Years Before Forrest Gump
The earlier setting means that in The Rings Of Power, fans won’t recognize many of their favorite characters from the original fellowship, and are even less likely to see Forrest Gump traversing the realms of Middle Earth.
Diehard Tolkien Fans Are Boycotting The Show Because Its Female Orcs Aren’t Attractive Enough
The controversial omission of the author’s sultry, buxom she-Orcs was just too outrageous for some to bear.
Unlike The Original Trilogy, You Don’t Have To Be A Massive Nerd To Understand This One
Even people who aren’t gigantic losers will be able to enjoy The Rings Of Power.
Streaming The Show In Your Apartment Will Never Recapture The Magic You Felt At The ‘Fellowship Of The Ring’ IMAX Theater Premiere As A 13-Year-Old
But sure, go ahead and try.
The Elves Are A Magical Race Of White Übermensch From The West Who Are Genetically Superior To Those Dirty, Evil, Lazy, Dark Southern And Eastern Men In Every Way
There is no subtext to this. Please stop overthinking it.
There Are Dwarf Titties
This is confirmed. They’re in there.
One Of The Characters Has A Ton Of Unopened Amazon Boxes Outside Their House
Look closely in the first episode, and you’ll see a familiar sight when Elrond comes home and stumbles past a bunch of Amazon boxes messily strewn on his front porch.
All Of The Actors Support Amazon 100%
They especially support their business model and pay disparity.
It Will Take 45 Minutes On the Phone To Help Your Dad Find Amazon Prime Video
No matter how excited your father is for the show, you’ll struggle helping him through the complex Amazon.com interface to get him to Prime Video.
Ed Sheeran Is Free
Just in case anyone wanted him to do another credits song or anything. He’s also pretty available to just hang sometime, if you are. Or whatever. No big deal.
Scenic Filming Locations
The Rings Of Power will take place against such lush backdrops as Auckland, New Zealand; the Coromandel Peninsula; and downtown Indianapolis.
‘The Ring Of Power’ Is A Limited-Edition Cartier Love Ring
Sauron bought the ring after taking a particular liking to the Cartier Love collection and the ring’s symbolic commitment to forever love.
George R.R. Martin Will Not Finish The Story Before He Dies
Despite the hopes of many fans, Martin refuses to finish the story for the The Rings Of Power before he expires.
There Are Gonna Be Some Really Dope Robes
Capes, too.
The Events Of ‘The Rings Of Power’ Take Place Over Thousands Of Years In Tolkien’s Original Stories
In the adaptation they will be condensed into one crazy day at Elven University.
Episodes Will Premiere Weekly
Amazon has confirmed that new Rings Of Power episodes will launch at the same time globally so all critics can pan them simultaneously.
Yes, That’s A Dallas Cowboys Cameo In The Shire
Though the appearance was kept secret from cast and crew, it makes sense when you remember Amazon has broadcast rights for Thursday Night Football.
The Whole Thing Is A Money Grab Designed To Exploit Your Genuine Love Of Art For Capitalism
But hey, that’s prequels for ya.
