With diversity, equity, and inclusion programs facing backlash, The Onion examines every problem conservatives have blamed on DEI.
9/11
Conservatives claim that if the hijackers had been white males, they could have finished off the Pentagon like originally planned.
The Crucifixion Of Christ
The only reason Pontius Pilate was governor of Judaea was because he was Black and bisexual.
Peanut Butter Jar Empty Already
Damn you, George Washington Carver!
Delayed Train Making Morning Commuters Late For Work
Having to read a land acknowledgment at every single stop can add hours to a commute.
Oklahoma City Bombing
If we didn’t have an open immigration policy that allowed the Irish to enter the country, Timothy McVeigh could have never detonated that truck.
Premature Ejaculation
Baby…please…it’s DEI’s fault that I couldn’t stay hard.
Sinking Of The ‘Titanic’
Something about the name Titanic sounds Chinese to us.
Wife Stopped Answering To ‘Sugar Lips’
Now she’s demanding to be called Mayor Sugar Lips, as if she deserves to be promoted just because of her gender.
Impossible To Get Hands On A Copy Of ‘The Color Of Law: A Forgotten History Of How Our Government Segregated America’
The Richard Rothstein book has been out-of-stock at the local independent bookstore for months, and there’s no doubt the popularity of diversity programs is the culprit.
‘Challenger’ Explosion
The space shuttle was enraged about having two women, a Black man, and an Asian American man aboard, so it took matters into its own hands.
Lunch Break Cut Short Due To Mandatory Antibias Training Running 7 Minutes Over
To be fair, they might have a point here.
Harvard Rejecting Your Beautiful Son
Your son worked so hard, and he absolutely wasn’t rejected due to his terrible grades, dearth of extracurriculars, or total lack of ambition.
Gumbo Dan Getting Eaten By A Gator
If the Democrats didn’t legally require the inclusion of every race of seafood in Cajun boils, Gumbo Dan might still be with us.
Jeffrey Epstein’s Suicide
Jeffrey Epstein was so sad about initiatives to hire more diverse prison guards in the facility where he was an inmate that he killed himself.
Clogged Toilet
Classic move to blame someone else, regardless of DEI status.
Wife No Longer Respecting You
It couldn’t possibly have to do with your racist tirades on Facebook, Truth Social, and Nextdoor.
Modern Medicine
The evils of modern medicine that constantly plague your family would never have been possible without famous Black doctors like James McCune Smith and Rebecca Lee Crumpler.
Kid Getting Suspended For 2 Weeks After Slapping Classmate So Hard In The Balls An Ambulance Was Called
Back before DEI took over, sack-tapping was just a game, not sexual assault.
Spinach In Teeth During Job Interview
Sabotaged by affirmative action once again.
The Words Entrepreneur, Chaise, Fiancé, Bureau, And Déjà Vu
How dare these foreign words come in and take jobs away from hardworking American syllables.
Father Abandoning Family To Pursue Dream Of Joining The Rockettes
They’re not going to hire you just because they “need a guy with good legs.”
Frozen Hot Dog Didn’t Microwave All The Way Through
Happened on a day when five women were in the office. Coincidence?
Long Line At Target
Conservatives cannot stand when more than one demographic of people are responsible for holding up the line.
Two-For-One Drink Deals Only Applying To Beer And Wine
The woke liberal agenda has been blacklisting scotch drinkers for ages.
Burnt
Burnt hand on stove, burnt tongue on pizza, burnt neck with curling iron, burnt nipples from chafing—all clearly masterminded by minorities.
Manicure Chipped After, Like, 2 Days
Stupid nail tech was probably too busy thinking about allyship.
U.S. Military Being Replaced With The Lady Ghostbusters
Replacing all 1.4 million active duty military with Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Kate McKinnon, and Leslie Jones left our country far more susceptible to attack than ever before.
The Racist Mammy Cookie Jar Factory Shutting Down
Thanks a lot, wokeness. Manufacturing racist mammy cookie jars was the economic backbone of this town!
