Epidemiologist Blows Conch Horn After Spotting New Covid Variant Cresting Over Horizon

GENEVA—Taking a deep breath and sounding the alarm for all in the land to hear, epidemiologist Hans Zehnder reportedly blew a conch horn Friday after spotting a new Covid variant cresting over the horizon. “Hark, a new variant approaches!” Zehnder cried from his perch atop the World Health Organization watchtower, whose signal was received by an epidemiologist over the border in France, who in turn ran along a fortress wall to ring an enormous bronze bell that would be heard by health officials stationed in the Pyrenees mountains. “Draw the bridge! Close the gates! Prepare yourselves with PPE and the spirit of a warrior. This variant is stronger, this variant is faster—and it wants vengeance!” At press time, witnesses confirmed Zehnder had dropped the horn in shock after an entire army of coronavirus mutations had appeared on the horizon behind the variant.