EPA Hoping To Streamline Ecosystem By Hosting Team-Building Lunch Meet-And-Greets Between Species

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the lack of cooperation that has left U.S. species struggling with massive inefficiencies, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Wednesday it hoped to streamline ecosystem performance by hosting the nation’s organisms at a series of team-building meet-and-greet lunches. “Right now, there is barely any constructive dialogue across America’s many varied habitats, but hopefully when they sit down together over a meal of hay, our moose, pronghorn, and deer will exchange ideas about how to make better use of the resources at their disposal,” said EPA administrator Michael S. Regan, who noted that the meetings would be voluntary at first, feature free food and water, and take place from noon until 1:30 p.m. at convenient locations throughout the country. “It might not seem like prairie dogs and armadillos have much to say to each other, but who knows? If they get to talking, they might be able to swap tips about surviving in the southern plains. Not everyone is on board yet—the bison, in particular, have said their current workload leaves them with little time for more meetings—but we think eventually all these species will realize they are far better off when we all pull in the same direction.” Regan added that he couldn’t wait to get the coniferous and deciduous trees together in the same space and see what kind of innovation occurs when those two have a chance to cross-pollinate.