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EPA Fully Bans Asbestos

Asbestos, a known carcinogen that is linked to over 40,000 deaths in America annually, is now fully banned from use in the U.S., whereas it had previously only been restricted. What do you think?

Derrick Brock, Celebrity Cataloger

“It was delicious while it lasted.”

Derrick Brock, Celebrity Cataloger

Mitesh Rao, Dough Flattener

“Aw, but I only just learned it was dangerous last Thursday.”

Mitesh Rao, Dough Flattener

Megan Borja, unemployed

“Of course they ban it as soon as my body has built up a nice tolerance.”

Megan Borja, unemployed




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper